Pressure? Or what?

I don’t exactly know what to post at this point. I’ve just been kind of ignoring this. My husband has been pretty down lately, I guess I have too. We’re only on our second medicated cycle and he’s already talking about the financial burdens. I mean, I guess this is something we need to talk about. I haven’t yet calculated how much each cycle is costing just yet, but I will tell you this… it isn’t cheap. However, it’s not like we’re hurting. Even considering the cost of monitored, medicated cycles.

I just wish I could have some sort of response. It’s almost like it puts some kind of pressure on me to do something that I am incapable of doing. I can’t make my body work properly. I don’t know if it’s stress, depression, winter blues talking when he tells me this stuff. He made it pretty clear we’d never even try IVF if we got to that point (not that that is of any concern at this point, goodness no). But just the fact that he discarded that so early in the game was a little off to me. So I told him about IUI’s and their costs, and he even seemed put off by that. (I guess, who wouldn’t be? Thousands of dollars for a chance at having a baby, that isn’t necessarily guaranteed to work? Hmmm…). I don’t even want to go on, because what came next was even worse.

I just don’t know what happened. My husband has always loved kids, and it’s always been quite obvious he’s wanted them. Now he acts as if, if it doesn’t happen, *meh*, no big deal. No big deal?! Are you kidding me?

I used to be the one who wasn’t really on board with having kids quite yet. The original plan was to wait until Fall of 2012 to start trying, after I graduated college. Then I find myself researching right around the time of our wedding, lurking on message boards and getting all baby fevered.

Then in January of last year, I brought it up. I just couldn’t get it off my mind, and he basically said he was just waiting until I was ready. So we agreed, we’d start trying. Of course, like most people, we thought it would happen right away.

I was so naive, we used condoms at first. The doctor said to do so for the first three months off of birth control before we began trying. Yeah, that lasted maybe about four days. I researched, and it seemed pretty pointless to wait those months. Different doctors, different opinions.

So a little over a year later, here we are. Still trying. I wish I could add up all the money I’ve spent since this all began. I’ve tried 3 different thermometers, gone through countless ovulation tests and pregnancy tests (that was before I figured out pregnancy tests were pointless if I hadn’t been ovulating, and no, I didn’t just miss it in my charting; and yes, I was sure), had more than the average amount of OB/GYN visits, and now an RE. Also, prenatals vitamins. Anything else? Books! So many books. Kindle books and a few hard copies.

It just breaks my heart a little to think we’d get to a certain point and just stop, just give up. I don’t know what will happen in the future. I wish I could fast-foward so I could look back and remember how hard it was, how we overcame things. How freaking depressing it gets sometimes. I have been doing a little better lately, I’ve been keeping my mind (somewhat) off of trying to get pregnant. Then things like this come up, and it all comes back to me.

My husband said something again today. Basically that if all this stuff works, it’s worth it. He didn’t say anything about if it didn’t though. I don’t care if it sounds cliche, or any of that. But I am trusting God for it. I hate to worry. I can’t think of anything I’ve been through that hasn’t become part of my story and testimony. I guess this is just something to add to it, and something we’ll eventually overcome.

It’s just hard to see that when you’re living it, as you’re living it.

When I was biking in the rain to work, working six days a week and had no social life. It f###ing sucked. I say it like that because there is no other way to describe it. Living off of Ramen and oatmeal, not sure if I would have a car by winter to keep my job and apartment. But now, I look back on that time and realize how much it changed me.

This is like the next big trial. I don’t know how long it will take. I could look back at this year next year and either think of how naive I was, or look back having already overcome. I don’t know. Only time will tell. All I know, is there is a bigger reason beyond myself.

2 thoughts on “Pressure? Or what?

  1. I always have my fingers crossed for you and really hope things start looking up soon. In the meantime, good luck with the house, it will definitely help keep you distracted! (hugs)

  2. I think your DH is trying to be considerate and calm about the whatever the outcome can be. It might be a big deal to him but he doesn’t want to make a big deal out of it for your sake and how it might make you feel. I don’t know you or him of course but this is just a thought.

    TTC 3 years

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