A Start

Well, we’re doing a weight loss thing at work. Not sure exactly how we’re doing things, I just know that as a basic guideline we are:

Motivating one anotherWeighing in every Monday
Walking + stairs every day at 11:45
Sharing tips + recipes
Running a 5k together in the spring

So, it is going to help a lot I think! I’m excited and motivated to get moving.

In other news, there is a 100th anniversary formal dinner for my husband’s work union in April, and it sounds like it will be pretty fancy! I am setting this as a date to reach my goal (or before if possible). So, having a little over 5 months from now until then, I think it is definitely possible.

So today, did the walking and 24 flights of stairs total… 9 in a row was the record, but man am I out of shape, haha.

I also started the “Couch to 5k” plan with the app yesterday, it’s very doable! So, just excited about all of this.

I’ve decided I need to start putting my time and energy into something that will benefit me in the long run. I know we’ve been TTC for 21 months, but honestly… I sometimes wonder if there’s a good reason it just hasn’t happened yet. I’ve heard of people with PCOS that are able to see things regulate by changing their lifestyle–eating habits, exercising more, etc.–and get pregnant in the end. Wouldn’t it be great if I got pregnant at a lighter weight? For me, the answer is probably yes. I would feel better about myself if, after all is said and done, I didn’t need to lose an additional 20+ pounds on top of the 30ish I wish I could lose right now. I guess after a while, you start trying to see things from a different perspective in order to accept a reality you never thought you’d face. In the end though, I think I would be happy if I ended up pregnant at all. I just know that after all this time and effort, and the emotional toil infertility has taken on me, I need to take a step back sometimes and look at the whole picture. Where am I at emotionally? Physically? Spiritually? If I’m not at least somewhat comfortable with all three of those, then what am I doing?

I worry that for a long time, getting pregnant and having kids was somewhat of an idol. Something that consumed me for a majority of the day, every day, for a long time. When we started looking at houses earlier this year, I pushed it to the backburner, but never forgot about it. Then there was a busy time. We’re still in this busy time. It never really changes, I guess. The further away we became from where we were when going to the RE and planning these structured, time-sensitive cycles … the less I thought about them, and more content I became. I do have moments now and then, the “Why Me? Why Us?” moments— but they aren’t as bad as they used to be. My thoughts have just shifted.

I’ve spent a lot more time lately focusing on God and just getting through things. And now I’m getting into something new, something I’ve never tried before and it feels great to have a goal and see that it is possible. What if this turns into a lifelong hobby? What if we have kids after that is established enough to be a new lifestyle? What, then I can teach my kids how to live healthy too? It’s a lot better than the bitter, cynical attitude I was carrying around for quite some time… definitely don’t want to influence my future kids like that. I don’t care how cliche it sounds, I know God has a plan for our lives though. I truly do. We have a lot of people praying for us, people know we want kids and are having trouble. It feels good to have that support, and I don’t like to let worry overtake me anymore. If down the road we go back to the RE, it’ll probably be after I get myself a little healthier. Which is fine with me. It sure would be great though if we never needed to.

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